Friday, January 22, 2010


contrary to my very positive "can do" attitude... there are some things that i simply cannot do. like for instance...

i can't eat alone.
  • you will never find me in a restaurant eating alone. the best would be at a coffee shop, but i'll tell you i would be jittery the whole time. it doesn't seem natural to me. i feel weird. i can't do it.
  • if i am eating with someone and that someone leaves for a while (to quickly go to the washroom or wherever, it doesn't really matter) i stop eating.
  • if i'm at home and no one is there to eat with me, i would just bring lots of snacks to my room instead and eat whatever. same when i'm alone in the clinic. i do not eat properly if bon is not around. i would pick on some chips, grab a bite of small things, but i will not sit down for a proper meal.
i can eat in the car though. drive thru food, but still, it's not real food. (it is wrong to eat while driving though --- tsk tsk!)

i can't watch a movie alone. i can watch a movie by myself on the television (as a matter of fact, i can laze around all day just watching movies), but i can never watch in a theater by myself, no way! i think that is absolutely weird. i have not tried it ever and i have no intentions of trying it at all. i'd rather wait for it on DVD than to sit in the cold cinema by myself... i actually want to applaud those who can --- cus that is real courage!

i can't walk on drains/manhole covers/wooden bridges/thin bridges made of metal/anything see-through. if it seems unstable, you can never make me walk through it. no way! i am not afraid of heights, it's a different thing. is there such a thing as the fear of anything unstable? cus i am not afraid of falling either... maybe i have trust issues (wahahahaha!)

in robinsons galeria, there is a part where the floor is made out of see-through glass --- i can't walk on those. bon and my sisters take advantage of this fact to torment me. when we were going to zambales one time and we had to cross a very unstable wooden bridge, i think i did not breathe the entire time (and bon purposely stopped the car in the middle for like 10 seconds) i could have died. then in paris a few years back, pot (my evil sister) pushed me toward the floor made out of grills. this is not just a portion of unstable ground its was probably as huge as football field (wait, thats an exaggeration --- maybe as big as a common gas station, that big). if im not mistaken that was at place de la concorde.

i can't eat seafood. this one is not because i do not want to, but because i am allergic. i cannot eat all kinds of seafood except for fish and, no, i do not feel sorry for myself because all i have are bad memories. so i do not even know how shrimps or crabs taste like.

when i was younger, i would only get rashes all over my body and my lips will swell. but now, my lungs shut down entirely so in my case, seafood is literally "to die for". sometimes i don't even need to eat it... if im inside a place without proper ventilation and they happen to be cooking seafood, i could die! (now you know how to kill me).

anyway, there are more things that i can't do. like i can't change a tire, i can't fly a plane and i can't bring people back to life, but they don't count --- okay, so don't try to be funny!

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Saturday, January 16, 2010

There Are Days

Time can pass like this
without my moving
in still surrender
in chaotic silence
in painful grief

Time can pass like this
staring at nothing
eyes transfixed
at the distance

Time can pass like this
pain has numbed me
so I endure it
I welcome it
with open arms

Time can pass like this
because I let it
consume me

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Monday, January 11, 2010


just last week i remembered this old friend-turned enemy of mine from college. without completely divulging her true identity, she is the frenemy i rescued from a disastrous event, only to be blatantly screwed over right after (if u knew me well in college, then u would know who i am talking about).

as i was saying, i remembered her very briefly last week and wondered whether she was still alive (she has no facebook, friendster, myspace, twitter, etc so i honestly have no clue). does she have her own clinic now, too? has she left the Philippines? has she made a new sex scandal (ooooops!)

last week, as bon and i were walking back to the parking lot after watching AVATAR in 3D...

bon: oh snap! it's ______________
(i immediately turned towards the direction he was looking at, hoping to see someone famous with the same name)

it took about 5seconds before i realized that i was staring at her ugly face. she did not see me ( or she pretended not to, maybe, because i even loudly replied to bon: "oh yeah, it is!", after i realized who he was pertaining to and she did not react). i did not call her attention to say "hi", for very obvious childish reasons. because even though i have long forgiven her for what she had done, i have not forgotten about it, at all.

God said to forgive 70x7 times and while i try my hardest to be a good follower of God's teachings, it is sometimes difficult. that is my sin, i realized. unless apologized to, i cannot make myself forgive and forget. I need affirmation. i need a proper conclusion. i cannot just shrug it off and say "okay".

i know it's wrong. God did not say to forgive only those who ask forgiveness from you... but this is my humanly flaw. i wish to overcome it because it makes me really bitter, but i dunno if i can. in my life, i've expressed hate on several people and although i know i am entitled to that (yes, justifying) i know that in God's eyes it is wrong.

i dont really wish to remain this way forever. i long to, one day, feel peace and gain the right courage to forgive all the people who have wronged me in the past. maybe it wont happen now... i'm sure it's not gonna happen overnight. instead, let me just say sorry to those whom i still hate intensely. it's ur fault anyway... so im sorry.

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